PSA: If you're not comfortable discussing sex with someone, then you really have no business having sex with them.
Makes no sense to exchange fluids and not words.
Help me understand... please
You're all for getting pegged, degrading language, whips, facials, butt plugs, golden showers, and dog collars, but the cause of a possible halt in your sexual advances is the fact that my previous partner was of the same or opposite sex?
You're an asshole and now you don't get to stick it in mine. There are many reasons to stop sexual advances or end a relationship. There are many instances in which you or your parter might experience jealousy. Consent, boundaries, and safety are all things that you and your partner talk about before engaging sexually, and I'm sure by now you've also gotten a brief breakdown of their preferences as well as their history.
Of all of the possible things that could possibly come up in that history; such as: STDs/STIs, sexual assault, or violence; it really blows my mind how often someone might call it quits just because their partner has a history with people of varying genders or sexual orientations. How important is that? Why is that relevant?
Why do we experience feelings of jealousy for one sex over the other?
Why are we more open minded to experiences that may have been had with one sex over the other?
As a woman who has a history with people from multiple genders; I have experienced rejection and discrimination from people I was involved with in the past. It's frustrating to think that people could be so closed minded about something that is none of their concern. If I'm sleeping with you then that's between us and no-one else, so why is it now your concern who I've slept with in the past?
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I once got set up on a blind date by my best friend. Comepltey blind date; this woman I'm meeting with is a total stranger to me and I don't even know what she looks like. All I got was: cis female, short hair, thin.
A N Y W A Y
It's the day of the date and this bitch stood me up.
(Her brother fell off his motorcycle or whatever; she had to rush out of town to visit him in hospital)
We rescheduled.
OKAY NOW
We met up at the bar, she's attractive, she's older, and we're having a very lovely time. At some point we talked about previous experiences with group sex and I said that I've had a few threesomes with multiple women; no problem, been there done that type of reaction. It's getting late and we decide it's time for us to leave, we've agreed to go back to her house because sex.
We get back to her place, we're making out on her couch, my pants are off, and she's on top of me. As she's slowly getting closer and closer to my lower region she makes a point to ask,
"when was the last time you had sex?"
I, with complete honesty, respond,
"about a month ago with my ex-boyfriend" She gets off of me and quickly expresses that she no longer feels comfortable going forward because, "I don't like knowing I'm competing with a man, and I'm not here to be your little lesbian experiment." I'm now left with blue-ovaries and hurt feelings.
She had no concerns when I said I had been with multiple women, but stop time because I have an ex boyfriend.
Let's be clear, I NEVER said, "This is officially a competition where I'll compare you to my male ex and see who has a better technique when it comes to giving me oral sex." No.
You ruined everything because you don't like that I've dated a man? I don't like you were engaged three weeks ago, but that's none of my business! Why does he matter? I'm here with you! ◦◦◦
"L" was rude, but she hasn't been the only person to reject me because of the sex or gender of my previous partners, so I have to assume that it's a legitimate concern to some people. I've also read the nice tinder bios that read, "don't waste my time if you're bi" or my favorite "not looking to get cheated on, so if you're bi just keep swiping". Now, I personally identify as a lesbian; therefore, my history involves mostly women, but in high school and pretty recently with my most recent partner, I was involved with a man.
You can't choose who you fall in love with, blah blah blah, that's not what this is about.
I've never cared about my partners history, it's their business and they're with me now, so it's irrelevant. Still, this experience with L really got me thinking about how different people think about their partners' previous partners. So I took to social media to ask people what they had to say.
I asked homosexual women and heterosexual men to slide into my DMs because I wanted to know how different people responded to their female partners history with multiple-gendered previous partners, and how or if it affected their current relationship.
I got a few different responses, but overall it felt like it was a pretty reoccurring respond that both men and women would feel okay or "better" if their female counterpart had a history with other females compared to the discomfort most felt imagining those same scenarios with men. I definitely felt a little more hostility reading the responses from my lesbian friends because they didn't like the idea of their partner being attracted to the opposite sex; which is really interesting considering the men felt the opposite. So I guess everyone just hates the idea of a man with a woman? Is a woman no longer any good after she's been with a man? Do women not count in terms of sexual relations? A few of the responses were a short "yes" or "no" which didn't give me much to go off of; other than realizing than not everyone overthinks like I do, which is mind blowing. On the other hand, I did have a few people send responses that gave insight as to why they may have a specific answer. Overall I was happy to read that gender was not necessarily what people cared about, and where more upset about the hypothetical infidelity.
H O W E V E R I did have a few question that asked about a hypothetical scenario that wasn't about cheating, but did involve other people. I had a question about group sex and how you as a partner would feel about the people selected to join y'all in the bedroom. This is more or less where I felt people really took a side, as opposed to previous responses where sex/gender weren't defining factors. It was so interesting to me that both men and women, for different reasons, agreed that they would be more comfortable in a more female dominated group setting. Women agreed that they overall felt more comfortable in an all female setting because of safety and comfort knowing they are all women. As opposed to men, who would simply prefer an all female setting to pleasure their own sexual fantasy as opposed to their partners. Not only did both teams agree an all female setting would be more comfortable, but they also agreed that a male dominated setting would not only be "gross" but it would be confusing. There was even one response that very abruptly stated they would go as far as leaving the relationship after an all male setting. My female responders were confused as to why their partners would ever even consider having a male dominated group, because their partner is in a homosexual relationship, so it wouldn't add up to their preferences. This was not something the men ever questioned when considering that their partner might be interested in inviting other women into their bedroom. One thing I didn't see much of while reading these responses was that these partners never had a conversation about boundaries! As someone who has had group sex with moth men and women, I personally, have always ahead of time been verbal about what I am comfortable with. I've never been in a male dominated setting, but I have been in threesomes that involved both a male and female person, and I quickly just jumped in with my, "yo by the way I'm all down to tag team to you (the female), but I'm not comfortable with your man touching me at all". It was just interesting to see that nobody really considered that as an option; I acknowledge that I asked the question in a certain way, but I felt I got pretty well thought out response that weren't necessarily black or white, and that was still not something I saw come up. This is obviously still an on going investigation, everyone is different, and answers vary depending on circumstances; but for now this is the feedback I can provide based on this small survey.
I'm now way more interested to know why everyone feels more comfortable with women than with men, but I honestly just believe that it's a result of societal views and that penises are gross.
Questions
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